there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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