I faked an abortion last night.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
