I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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