Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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