soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
