life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
