you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize