I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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