My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This toilet bowl is my home.
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