They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
