After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
