is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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