paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
