She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize