Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
