How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
