So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
