Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
