I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
high people should be assigned attendants
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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