She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
