I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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