Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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