Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
