I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
