I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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