Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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