Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize