so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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