every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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