Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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