I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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