Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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