Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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