my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
