Old men and throwing up are my life now.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
