he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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