you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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