She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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