there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
