My sheets look like a crime scene.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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