I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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