I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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