He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
