If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
