8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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