Can i not drive my cunt home
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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