I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
