How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize