i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
