She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
