farters have to be the big spoon...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
