I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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