you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We need to get me chipped asap
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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