How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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