I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
