I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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