well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
