I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
