I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
