there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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