But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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